Miscellanies

Five best events this year:

1. Finishing my honours thesis and that wooshhh light feeling
2. Graduation and having one of those ‘the world is my oyster’ moments
3. Vacationing in Hong Kong - visiting the sea and eating a lot of good food with friends I love
4. Time in the honours room and in class trying to soak in other people’s intellect as much as possible
5. Having meals at counters and talking to strangers, both in Singapore and in SF, and always ending up feeling like people are not so different after all

Five worst events this year:

1. The process of writing my thesis, nights in front of the computer battling feelings of inadequacy, the persistant taste of vomit in my mouth
2. The general loneliness of writing and having only 1 class to attend
3. The school-to-work transitional period where uncertainty is everywhere and for once I have to account for others, not just myself, and wondering if the decisions I made were right, and trying not go fall into the not trying = not failing thought loop, sitting and wondering if the sacrifices I made (and still make) will be worth it
4. Customers - everyday evidence that payment gives the consumer a ridiculously inflated sense of self-worth, a concept most trying and limiting
5. Having some friendships suspended because of negligence and irresponsibility

What have you learned?

I learned that the solution to all the hard knocks in life is to have generous, giving, considerate and affectionate people as friends, family and superiors. If unsuccessful, find greener pastures immediately.

Was the year what you expected?

Some things did come unexpectedly easily, which was nice.

What’s your most listened to music this year?

Christmas music. On loop. For what seemed like forever.

What new people did you meet this year?

I bonded with people in spite of obvious differences, which is always refreshing.

What is the best you’ve read?

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë and Room by Emma Donoghue.

What did you spend most on?

Swedish products and whatever Lisa Eldridge convinced me would change my life. That witch.

What did you do on your birthday in 2011?

I went out for Korean food and built The Burrow using LEGO. Wouldn’t have spent it any other way.

How would you describe your style in 2011?

Much more understated than the previous year. Just key quality pieces on heavy rotation and a greater investment in jewelry, a concept I hope to maintain in 2012.

You know you’re in some kind of a rut when you*:

1. make mayonaise from scratch
2. watch FNL 5 days a week
3. don’t set your alarm clock
4. drizzle salted caramel directly into a tub of ice-cream, and eat it for breakfast
5. calculate your fibre intake

*These may or may not apply to my life.

I loved 2010. I spent the first four months in a foreign country with snowstorms for company, then travelled North America and Europe over the summer, then returned to my homeland for what was undoubtedly the best semester of my university life. It was the hardest and most demanding, incontrovertibly, but also the most fulfilling, intellectually stimulating and fun. I can’t imagine how 2011 is going to top this, but I’m ready for it.

Happy New Year and well wishes all around!

Photo credit

My tolerance for the people I meet for the first time is slowly but surely lowering by the day.

Vampire Weekend live in Singapore, 26 Oct 2010

//

After two years, I think I’ve come to a conclusion: I puzzle people. They are eager to place me in a category or box, so they narrow their eyes at me, tap their lips, and draw Venn diagrams. All I want to do is hug them.

I dug up old photos.

Struggling with our math elective one night in NUS. We take the worst electives together, honestly.

Year 3 semester 1, we are fueled by junk food gifted to us by a Christian fellowship.

Ritualistic exam prep week in a glass house. Good conversations often spark out of these sessions.

School doesn’t quite feel the same without Lingyi. Happy birthday to you!

//

I’m struggling with honours year. It’s only mid-semester and I’m going absolutely mad. It’s difficult yet I cannot imagine doing anything else, and often I’m reluctant to be extracted from that part of my world. Elsewhere, I meet people who frown upon my idea of taking life one thing at a time. They want to know what I’m doing for my thesis, what my plans are after I graduate. Maybe they’re more experienced with life, hardened perhaps, and they speak with a sort of rationality that I cannot fathom. I just cannot speak of anything with certainty anymore.

“Hi.”
“Hello! -beaming smile- what’s your…”
“Uh, can you scoot down a bit? I need to save a seat for my friend.”

Note to self, don’t start first conversations with “go away,” it is unhealthy to repel people (which I do, constantly, I believe). I need to stop being so unapproachable!

In the bath with Plath

“I thought the most beautiful thing in the world must be shadow, the million moving shapes and cul-de-sacs of shadow. There was shadow in bureau drawers and closets and suitcases, and shadow under houses and trees and stones, and shadow at the back of people’s eyes and smiles, and shadow, miles and miles of it, on the night side of the earth.”

- Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

I read in the bath until the hot bathwater that hurt my sunburnt skin had retreated to cold. I discover that I am too terrified of everything, too enamoured with isolation and silence.

These days all I want to do is disappear. Vanish. Poof. Just like that. Leaving only a puff of smoke behind. It seems like that’s the only way to end this futile struggle to find meaning and significance, in someone, in something, in anything.